By the Modern Hussy
I am delighted to be a new contributor to YouNxt.
My name is Modern Hussy; here to offer etiquette advice.
Most people have no idea how to function in today’s world.
I will teach you how to diplomatically deal with everyday situations such as attending dinner parties, sexting, one night stands, surviving the corporate world without losing your integrity, selecting outfits to wear to the airport, wearing short shorts, and ensuring your relationship (or your single life) rules- all while having the most fun ever!
Please note that foul language and inappropriate situations are guaranteed.
Enjoy this week’s post just in time for Valentine’s Day…
On Celebrating Valentine’s Day without Selling Your Soul
It’s that time of year again. Stores become red with heart shaped things, restaurants advertise their romantico dinners and lovers of all ages start panicking wondering how to make this year’s V-day special.
If you are like me, and roll your eyes at forced romance, overpriced flowers and the fact you can’t get a reservation anywhere from Feb. 10th on, you might be tempted to skip celebrating Valentine’s altogether.
Love and romance should be unexpected, while flowers and chocolates are so much more appreciated when they come on a random Tuesday when your boss made your day hell (and might I add cost a third of the ones on V-day).
On that note, ignoring the holiday completely can be a little depressing for your relationship, so I encourage all people currently taken to make an effort and surprise your lover with an original Valentine’s day that doesn’t feed this commercial beast.
So plan for V-day to be a day of not just love, but LOVING!
How about you indulge in a jiggy fest hotter than Lake Bell + Kid Cuddy in How to make it in America?
For the Modern Hussy, V-day has never been about buying serious gifts; fun and naughty things are much more appreciated as long as they are thoughtful and original.
Here are some of Modern Hussy’s ideas for a romantico celebration:
1. Make a mix tape of ridiculously sexy music. Light some candles, play sexy mix and seduce your significant other (dancing optional). Some musical suggestions include “$^#% my Brains out” by Dream, “I’m #%$&% you tonight” by Biggie Smalls, pretty much anything by Sade, Roberta Flack, or any other song that signifies your love.
2. If you opt for an evening of sex at home, remember that you will need nourishment to keep you going. Select sensual foods to feed / share with your lover. Keep it simple! I know that oysters are a supposed aphrodisiac, but, unless you are a professional, getting shell in the eye while shucking is NOT sexy. Some good ingredient choices are strawberries, chocolate, mangoes, cherries, almonds (apparently sexually arousing for females), avocadoes, basil, fresh figs… pair with well-priced champagne of course! Try to avoid anything with beans, mayo or too much spice.
3. You might want to cook (or take) your lover (to) a special dinner. This is a wonderful idea, but I’d suggest fucking first, THEN eating! As my favorite podcaster Dan Savage has mentioned, people can’t expect stellar performance in bed, after having consumed a five course-tasting menu of heavy cheeses, French cuisine, wine etc. Fuck first, people!!!
4. Take a funny spin on the occasion and dress up in your fanciest clothes, then go get fast food followed by a trip to your sketchy neighbourhood strip bar. Nothing says “I love you” like watching naked girls pole dancing to Bel Biv Devoe.
5. This is the perfect time to surprise your lover with a new position, an extra long session of something he or she highly enjoys, or something freaky you have both been DYING to try out! As mentioned in previous blog entries, ensure that your acrobatic abilities can handle it. Don’t get too ambitious.
6. How about doing something extra special, naughty and totally unexpected? Here are some suggestions:
-henna tattooing your lover’s name on your butt. You will probably need a trusted friend to help you out with that one, and I suggest you get the stuff in the tube as it is easier to write with.
-wearing something sheer and slinky and giving your lover a pair of scissors in wrapping paper (that you don’t mind ruined).
-shaving your pubic hair into a heart or your lover’s initials (note: this one works extra well if you are a dude)
-roleplaying a typical fantasy such as schoolgirl, playboy bunny (note: difficult to get bunny ears this time of year), hot secretary, etc.
I hope that this gives you some ideas for a non-conventional Valentine’s day!