Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

Spring is upon us. Jackets are getting shorter, clothing lighter, and girls are parading out of the house wearing fewer layers.

In an ideal world, this should be a happy time. In reality, it signifies the start of tremendously poorly selected fashion. I am not sure when girls decided that liquid jeggings were an acceptable form of pant, welcomed in the workplace.

Call them hot pants, call them leggings, jeggings, whatever, they are all the same. I see girls every single day pairing these monstrosities with a short jacket and Frye boot knock offs, the overall effect making them look like school on Sunday (no class).

I really wish that women had more self-criticism (or an eastern European mother) to be able to judge when their outfit looks unappetizing.

I find that even the hottest of chicks have a hard time pulling this look off, as it really is unflattering. It highlights every imperfection one has, and puts one at risk of camel toe.

Gaaaaaaaahhghhhh why would anyone want to rock this?

Additionally, I have seen women with their jeggings sagging in the knee area, worn out to see-through-ness in the bum area, and generally fitting so poorly that they end up looking like an extra from Grease the musical, plus sized version. Please note that I am not specifically targeting larger sizes in this rant as liquid jeggings make everyone look dumpy and unfit.

Additionally, I am not sure how this is still in fashion. I used to rock liquid American Apparel leggings under a long sweater or tunic circa 2008. How has this fashion trend become a more hideous version of itself four years later???? Beyond me. Is it because men have gotten incredibly lazy and they need to see vagina contours before making a move? Am I totally out of touch?

After having read all that if you are still unsure, please see below a quick questionnaire to help you determine if you should be wearing liquid jeggings:

1. Are you going to work?

Yes? Do not wear liquid jeggings you look unappetizing.

No? Still think twice before putting your jeggings on, and proceed only if you have something covering your ass

2. When holding your jeggings up to light can you see through?

Yes? Do not wear liquid jeggings you look like shit and no one wants to see flesh. You are indecent.

3. Do you look like Olivia Newton John in Grease the movie (aka do you weight about 40 kilos soaking wet?)

Yes? You have far bigger problems than fashion. You should be spending your time eating as many sandwiches as possible until you stop looking emaciated.

No? Do not put on your jeggings you look unappetizing.

4. Are you doing any of the following: heavy-duty housecleaning, après skiing, sleeping in a tent, daytime napping?

Yes? Jeggings are an acceptable form of pant

No? Take those ridiculous things off you look unappetizing.

Thank you.

Just for the record, as soon as I finished writing this post (on my morning commute) I saw a girl in 3/4 length American Apparel lime green leggings with an oversized t-shirt, fluo sneakers and accessories and giant sunglasses looking like she just stepped out of a dancehall video circa 2003 and I loved her.

[like] [tweets]