Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

I’m quite probably a late bloomer on the topic of basic bitches, but it has taken me a while longer to compile this blog post (it’s fall, and I don’t take transit anymore, and its really hard to do this at work without getting caught).

Anyhow, basic bitches are a phenomenon which has to do with the girls who are, well…. super obviously vanilla. I believe the term was first coined in a rap song, but has since then escalated into something bigger and more mainstream. Here are some of the characteristics of the basic bitch, and how you can spot her fast-

1. She is obsessed with Paris (the city), and her ultimate dream in life is to be proposed to in front of the Eiffel tower.

2. She loooooves Audrey Hepburn.
Hey, I enjoyed Breakfast at Tiffany’s several times and potentially own an Audrey biography (which I bought in the early 2000’s), but these girls are the fans who definitely have the movie poster of Breakfast at Tiff’s FROM IKEA on their living room wall (right next to their generic framed photograph of the Eiffel tower)

2b. She is obsessed with is Sex and the City.
She thinks she is Carrie with a bit of Charlotte thrown in and can quote every scene of the show. Her friends consist of other basic bitches and they often assume the 4 characters from the show as their own personas. They will often use the characters as verbs (ie: you are being SUCH a Miranda right now.) While they brunch in the same shitty diner weekly.

3. She thinks she is edgy because she got one of the following options of tattoos-
1 a ‘thoughtful’ sentence fragment such as ‘let love’, ‘live love’, ‘let live’, ‘let go’, ‘breathe’ or the equivalent in Latin, Italian or Spanish
2- a heart
3- a butterfly.

This tattoo is only in one of the following spots:

1- the wrist,
2- foot or ankle or
3- tramp stamp.

4. Her entire existence is centered around one purpose- to get married. 
If she is single, she is constantly looking for her future mate, by scouring the interwebs for bankers, doctors, engineers or lawyers. If she is dating, she needs to know where it is going asap, so that she can start planning their future. (All basic bitches know you have to prebook the best wedding venues two years in advance).

5. Once she snags a man, she has insanely high expectations for the marriage proposal. 
She has been, after all, watching all the seasons of the bachelorette. Her ideal location is- you guessed it- the Eiffel tower, but she will take other locations as long as they are major landmarks (Central Park and Times Square at midnight on New Year’s are two other favourites), or include a horse and buggy ride or a string quartet.

6. Once the marriage proposal happens she becomes obsessed with the planning of and talking about her wedding. The wedding must, after all, out do all the weddings of her basic bitch posse. She talks about it at length and may refer to elements of the wedding using the verb ‘princess’. (ie: my dress is SO princess, the venue is going to be really princess). In the year leading up to her wedding all her social feed media feeds will consist of wedding posts and wedding related links.

7. She will change her relationship status on Facebook to ‘married’ approx 3.5 seconds after saying ‘I do.’

8. Her wedding WILL include a choreographed dance routine she forced her partner to practice for hours. The dance routine will begin as a typical ‘first dance of the bride and groom’ and be done to your standard love song, but will then break out into something uppity and unexpected (?) such as ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley, ‘Tonight is gonna be a good night’ by the Black Eyed Peas, and / or anything by Pittbull. What a surprise!

9. Following the wedding she will realize that wedding planning is her ultimate purpose in life, since she pretty much had to do all the work for her own anyways, and she will try to start a business doing wedding planning related activities. She may start a make up business or, more popularly a photo booth / decoration service. She will think she is so much better than the decorators before her, but let’s face it, all the photo booths she organizes (for her friends ) will just end up having badly made mustaches and lips on sticks and some random feather boas. (Its so kooky, and crazy!)

10. She most likely loves and owns the following: Tory Burch or Michael Korrs ballerina flats with a coin dangle or large metal logo on the front or their replica, Tom Ford wrap sunglasses or their replica, and a slew of yoga gear which she doesn’t actually wear to yoga.

11. She is obsessed with wine. She often posts those shitty comics or poems about wine on her social media (you know, roses are red violets are blue wine is red poems are hard, wine, blablabla) and she drinks wine by the case with her girlfriends on any given night. Drinking 3 bottles of wine to herself on a Tuesday ain’t no thang, right? Just a night out with girlfriendzzz.

So why did I write this blog?

I don’t REALLY have a problem with basic bitches, I am often surrounded by them as they are the norm. One learns how to co-exist. There is nothing particularly wrong with them other than the fact that they are predictable, so horribly boring, and because I get a little sad when cool guy friends date them. (but whatever floats your boat, right?)

The purpose of this blog is to help you recognize a basic bitch, and it helps me define another social subgroup of the current time period.

Hussy’s back!

Love you.

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