Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

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By the Modern Hussy

Actually this is a post about shit no one wants to talk about ever!

So listen up and erase the following topics from your pretty little heads.

Social networking has made us all feel so important. You feel like you scored so many Internet points when thirty-six of your closest friends comment on the fact that you ate a sandwich. This inevitably made you think that any verbal diarrhea that spews out of your mouth (or social media diarrhea that stains your keyboard) should be immediately hash tagged.

But it shouldn’t.

The following topics are one you all bore me with:

Your detox.

I am trying to ban the word kale at my office. Seriously, bitches say it about 16 times a day. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, but no one needs to hear your menu for the entire week, or that you ‘already feel SO much better, are totally not hungry, and really have learned to appreciate food’. Bitch, it’s been 2 days since you’ve been on this detox and I totally see you sneaking forbidden ingredients.  If you want to be detoxing, amazing! It’s a great step towards a better life. However for some reason going on detox makes people feel the need to announce every step if their ‘journey’ to the world.

Your dreams

‘… And then there was zebras there, but I didn’t care because the midget was chasing me through molasses and then we all had tea.’

Doesn’t sound fascinating?

Um, NO IT DOESN’T !!!

Your crazy land in your crazy brain is not relevant to anyone’s life or interests. No one cares about your dream, as it has zero impact on anything. No, it wasn’t a ‘sign’ that you should text your ex because he is totally thinking about you and decided to let you know telepathically via dream.

Your wedding planning

I don’t care that the vases you got match your colour scheme perfectly, and that the best man better get his shit together in time for the wedding, and that you just don’t know we’re aunt Mildred should sit, and that there aren’t enough single guys at the singles table, and that you are going to have moustaches on sticks for people to take the MOST hilarious and kooky photos. We all know that you are getting married. We’ve been hearing about it every step of the way since he proposed on New Year’s Eve, or Christmas Eve, whatever. We are all super glad and happy that you are entering marital union, but no one wants to hear about every minuscule detail of your planning, except maybe knowing if it will be open bar or not.

The meaning of your tattoo

Yes, your spiritual awakening of 2004, when you went to Thailand to get finger banged by Australians is really fascinating, but I struggle to keep a straight face when you let me know all about your power animal and how strongly you identified with Thai culture. Just admit that you got drunk and let one of those dudes on the beach tattoo you with a bamboo stick at 3 am.

All 20 ingredients you put in your quinoa

No one cares. And yes, I was aware that avocado goes SO WELL in this meal.

Look, once again, I am really glad that you are cooking for yourself like a standard human being, but unless someone specifically asks you ‘what’s in that dish?’ No one really cared for you to recite all the ingredients.

Every morning.

This person usually goes together with the one who only talks about their detox. They claim things such as ‘from now on, I will ONLY eat this’, and later you see them dipping their fingers into a jar of Nutella at their desk.

The sequence of your cold / flu

Yes, it started with a light sore throat, moved into your chest two days later, and now you are almost too snotty to tell me this disgusting story.  But you are not, because you are telling me, while inevitably spreading your germs into my life.

I KNOW HOW BEING SICK WORKS.

Now, before I get a ton of hate mail (the you-je), I will just finish off with a disclaimer: if you are my friend and I love you, then I love to discuss every single one of these topics with you.  This list is for acquaintances.

So, quit thinking that every thing you say is magical.

Love , M.H.

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