Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

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By the Modern Hussy

While in a training class the other day girls started asking the teacher about nutrition. Suddenly, the awesome abs session came to a halt as the trainer tried to explain the importance of a healthy eating and discredit certain dieting techniques.

I have some very strong opinions about dieting, but I keep them to myself in situations where females use 2 pound weights because they don’t want to ‘bulk up’.  Also I’m paying for valuable training time here, so I did not participate in the convo, but did some planks instead.

I have to say that I was shocked at the lack of knowledge these girls had, and wonder if this is a common ignorance. Personally when I want something I will research it to shit and get as informed about it as possible. Being fit is the same; I wouldn’t just trust some random info.
So I will share my opinions with you.

Please note that I am NOT a trained professional, and the below info is research from several healthy eating books, magazines, and years of self experimentation.

1. Gimmicks don’t work. Remember when we all did the cabbage soup diet in the 90s? Sure, it let you drop two dress sizes in a week, but the following week you were getting plumped back up on Cheetos and 7up. Restrictive gimmicky diets are only good for one thing- shaping up for an event.  And media blasts ridiculous things at you – such as ‘lose weight by eating only ice cream and steak’. Don’t believe it. There is really one way to lose weight and keep it off.

2. Jenny Craig. We already know that eating in restaurants is not that good for you. So why would you trust some American company to feed you microwaveable pre packaged meals??? Logic should tell you that these are not fresh ingredients and that if you wanted a calorie restricted nutrient devoid diet you could just spend 99cents on frozen Michelina’s dinners. Would cost you a whole lot less and give you the same results: sluggishness from the lack of energy and nutrient deficits.

3. Juicing.  People love a good juice fast or master cleanse. Yes, it is good to detox your body of crap once in a while, but most juicing I have seen in the last few years probably does more harm than good.

First of all, juice only retains its nutritional value for about three minutes after you make it. After that, it oxidizes and essentially becomes a cup of sugars.

Sooooo, all you ladies buying pre packages juice fasts for 250$ for three days, you’re kind of getting suckered. The Juice must be made fresh for you to actually benefit from it. Additionally you are not supposed to juice for a week and follow it by going out for French food. Yes, I know that your social life is really important and you had an ‘event’, but transitioning from a juice fast to solid foods should be done gradually, using the right foods.

Most bitches celebrate a juice fast by eating French fries, which will pretty much just wreck your liver.

Other things I have seen which are exceptionally harmful – taking painkillers to counteract the side effects of detoxing (such as headache). Once again, you do realize that taking painkillers on an empty stomach is a huge strain on your liver and gallbladder??

Not going to lie – drinking only juice for a bunch of time WILL make you lose weight – but unless you do it right, you’re only going to do more harm than good in the long run.

A messed up metabolism is no fun!

4. How about exercise? It is a key factor in staying fit. The benefits of well performed exercise are endless: increased energy, increased alertness, strength, reduction of joint pain, improved sleeping patterns, reduced stress, improved heart health, not to mention a lithe and sexy body. No, you will not look like a body builder, so put down those two pound weights.

Your workout routine should be a combo of weight training and cardio. Expensive machinery is highly optional, as you can have a total body workout using only your body weight. Additionally, the more muscles you have, the more calories you will burn. Be weary of over exercising and try to come up with a routine that targets all your body parts efficiently (may I suggest Nike Training Camp, Oxygen Magazine, THE INTERNETS?).

I used to go to the gym for two hours, five days a week and I wasn’t really getting any results. Now I’m there for two 45 min sessions weekly and look great. My lifestyle is quite active, however (see the Gym of Life post here).

5. Calories. Calories are just measurements of heat warming up water. There are so many insane parameters that determine the rate your own body is burning fuel that it is pretty impossible to actually figure out how many calories you are burning.

Factors to consider are your metabolic rate, the kind of food you are eating, the type of exercise you are doing, how much you are slacking or cheating in said exercise…. I know girls on super low calorie diets, who think they are being healthy. The only thing those girls are getting is a big old nutrient deficiency. Eat a balanced diet of healthy, fresh, vitamin filled ingredients and you will look great and won’t be losing your hair or have graying skin. Everybody wins.

6. Eat that cheese, yo. And the cake too! Restricting yourself of all things delicious will inevitably going to make you lose your mind.  The trick to happiness and a healthy body weight is to be able to eat just a little of something indulgent, not the whole thing. So go ahead and cheat – but only a little, and only sometimes. Remember that your favourite indulgent meals can be made slightly healthier by simple ingredient substitutions. Research and experiment, and remember – portion control is key!

7. The trap of low fat. The worst are the people who think that eating low fat products is beneficial. Except they execute this by consuming skim dairy products, margarines and low fat chips. Ok – so first of all, what the eff are you doing eating chips while trying to lose weight, fool?

I know that ‘low fat’ chips praaaactically make you feel like you are eating a bowl of kale, but you should probably read the ingredients and realize that the things that are required to make something naturally fatty be unfatty is the stuff that makes your intestines turn to goo. Yum.

The fat in butter and dairy (milk and yogurt) is ridiculously beneficial, as it delivers D, E, K and A vitamins as well as keeping you fuller for longer.

You know what those things do? They keep your hair, nails and skin super healthy! And I’d say that’s on the want list of most people. Additionally did you know that you need fat to absorb many other nutrients from other foods? For example vitamin A from carrots is much better absorbed with a little fat.

I feel like the term ‘low fat diet’ has been grossly misinterpreted – I am pretty sure what it actually means is eating naturally occurring low fat foods, not processed sludge.

8. Put your scale in the closet and step on it once every 3 months. Instead, take out your skinniest of skinny jeans (no stretchy denim here!). The way these fit should be your main frame of reference! Try these on twice a month and you will truly know if your fitness program is working. Weighing yourself, especially daily, can be misleading. The amount of water you retain in a day can shift your results, as can the fact that you have gained muscle (which weighs more than fat). Don’t focus on numbers and focus on how awesome your ass looks (or will look) in those jeans.

Ok – those are my Tips.

In conclusion you should realize that there is only really two important rules of weight loss and they make it much simpler than everyone makes it out to be.
The rules are: Eat less and get off your ass.
Not more complicated than that.

Good luck!!

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