By the Modern Hussy
Welcome to the Summer fashion edition.
I was out this weekend being judgemental, not because I’m a horrible person, but because bitches wear some wack shit these days.
Ok, also probably because I’m a horrible person.
Anyhow, I was slightly appalled at many of the summer fashions parading around on this gorg summer day.
There are four things I would like to discuss today as outside gets nicer and more naked.
The item that stood out the most, was the very on trend crop top.
Here is the thing, ladies, crop tops are not for everyone.
I know that Lena Dunham is making you feel better about yourself by whipping her tits out every other minute, but the crop top is meant to be worn by ladies of a certain physique. I don’t mean that a six pack is a prerequisite, but at the very least you should not have blubber jiggling around your midsection with every step you take. Some baby fat looks cute on young girls in crop tops, making it look more adorable than sexy, but when the midriff baring top reveals cellulite and stretch marks you are not doing yourself any favours.
Additionally what you pair your crop with should not be too tight. Nobody should ever permit themselves to look like a stringed up sausage.
Crop tops look best on girls with the hourglass shape, and not great on carrot or pear shaped ladies.
If you don’t have a waist a crop top can make you look even boxier and fat. I’m not being mean here, I just think that every woman should learn how to dress for her body, and learn that sometimes even though it’s all over Zara and H&M it doesn’t mean that it should go in your closet.
Here is how to wear your top: paired with jorts for that festival look (think Top Shop vibe) or paired with a longer fitted high-waisted skirt for that Jason Wu Resort 2014 vibe. Under no circumstances should you wear it with a tight miniskirt two sizes too small.
BUY CLOTHES THAT ACTUALLY FIT YOU
The second offensive piece this weekend: peach pants on white girls.
I was walking along minding my own business when- what the heck– is that girl naked from the waist down?
No, she was not naked, she was merely wearing peach coloured pants. White girls, I said it before and I’ll say it again- nude is NOT your colour. Why would you want to look like your bottom half was replaced by Barbie flesh coloured legs? Nothing about this looks good and it accentuates all your trouble zones, so please embrace other pastels of the season… if you must.
The next point for today is something I keep trying to drive into your little heads but somehow you just refuse to listen.
Nothing makes a girl look less attractive than when she can’t walk in her shoes.
I saw many girls stumbling on their macro wedges, so awkward like Bambi on ice.
Buy shoes that fit you – size and comfort are directly correlated, and if your shoes are comfortable you won’t be walking like you just got ass raped.
If you can’t handle the height buy lower heels. I know that Jeffrey Campbell’s Litas have pretty much ruined everyone’s reasoning as to what constitutes a high heel, but you’ll look much sexier strutting confidently in your 3inch platforms or a wearable midheel. There is nothing sexy about looking like you are in pain, or worse, carrying your shoes and going barefoot in the city. Gross.
Embrace the fact that chunky ankle boots are on trend, and stay away from hooker heels for the time being.
The last miss of the weekend are what I call girls who read too many fashion blogs.
They knew who Isabel Marrant was prior to the H&M collab, they pine after Rag&Bone booties and they probably at some point got their photo taken for a street style shot (it went to their head), they do 90% of their shopping on NastyGal, and most definitely own one of the ‘Celine’ mock shirts.
These girls are fashion train wrecks. They will try power print clashing which, when done with cheap fast fashion buys, looks like a math class threw up all over some leopard print on polyester, over some Navajo. They will wear a dress with side cutouts to go hiking at 10 am, thinking it makes them look so fashion while it actually makes them look like a sweaty hooker. These girls think they are taking fashion risks, but actually don’t know how to dress themselves. There is no shame in knowing what’s in, but being well dressed still means knowing how to assemble an outfit, that suits your body, and your style.
But what do I know? I just wear black or sneakers pretty much at all times.
Rant = over.