Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

There are two kinds of boys who make girls swoon. The first kind is the dangerous part time lovers without savings accounts. This is the kind that used to get to me.

The second kind is something I do not truly understand, which is why I wanted to explore them in this post.

They dress well, spend 20 minutes styling their hair, they were in a frat in college while studying something to do with money, they come from well off families. They drive nice cars, and frequent the ‘hottest new places’ in town (barf).

Although I am not one of them, there are girls who totally get off on this kind of thing. I guess they see the well shellacked hair and immediately get transported into the future, where they are well manicured stay at home moms, drinking dirty Martinis for breakfast, while their husbands bring in all the dough.I get that.

The thing is, more often than not (and I am fully going to generalize here) these guys are slimy asshole douchebags that treat girls like crap. And remember what I keep trying to teach you: when looking for love you need to look for someone who is nice to you.

I recently witnessed a few friends dealing with slimy douchebags. Watching the progress from the sidelines was painful. I know how it is when you get smitten with someone and I know that most girls have a very twisted idea that their vagina has the superpower of turning players into husbands.
It doesn’t.
These kinds of relations are usually made of the guy seeing the girl as a hook up, while the girl is convinced that they are in a relationship. It’s heartbreaking. I want to help you avoid pathetic girl-brain by giving you some tips on how to tell if the guy you are dating is a slimy douchebag asshole, and should you, therefore end your sham of a relationship.

1.  His situation is always ‘complicated’. He has been dealing with a crazy ex girlfriend, who is trying to break into his house and has keyed his car. He is stressed out and can’t see you, because he is just so stressed out. It’s always very complicated.

2. He lies. He tells you he has to work really late, but then you see photos of him on Instagram hugging some whore, with the hash tag #drunknightsyeah. When confronted, he tells you that it was a last minute thing and unexpected and that the girl is his cousin. You believe it. I mean, why would he lie?

3. He’ll only see you on Wednesdays, sometimes Sundays, and often around 3 am on Saturdays. This, again, is because he is really busy with work. He also has family obligations. The truth is, you are a booty call and a hump-day date. Not worth a Thursday or a Friday.

4. He tells you that he is very misunderstood. Everyone just sees him as a player, but really he just wants to find a nice girl to settle down with. He tells you that you two would make beautiful babies. He has smoothie one-liners that make you weak at the knees. You regale your friends with stories of all the nice things he’s said to you, and when he stands you up on a Friday night again, those lines keep you convinced that he luuuuuurves you.
He doesn’t. He’s off telling some other gullible girl about their beautiful future babies.

5. He tells you he had to grow up with his dad always working so much, and he doesn’t want to he like that. He talks about his parents divorce a lot and you start understanding what a deeply emotionally affected person he is. He tells you that he wants to be a really good father and your heart melts. Sometimes he disappears for days. When he comes back he tells you that he had to work out his feelings because his dad contacted him. More often than not, his dad is banging a 28 year old, and he wants to grow up to be just like him. Clearly he is just using his daddy issues as a way to make girls think he is sensitive.

6. He’s all about secrets. He can’t let you meet his friends because they are all still friends with his ex and she’ll be furious when she finds out he’s moved on. He can’t let people from work meet you because they all think that he is a huge slut, for some reason, and he doesn’t want his reputation to be tainted. He’ll let you meet select friends who you totally try to charm, because, obviously his friends will make him realize what a great catch you are. The truth is, the friends he will let you meet are the ones who have an equal player lifestyle, or are cheating on their girlfriends. You’re safe because you’re not actually part of the inner circle.If anyone EVER wants to make you their secret, you need to say ‘Go to hell’ and walk away. You should be NOBODY’s secret!

7. His last girlfriend was ‘crazy’.  She broke into his house, she keeps screaming at him in public, she keeps acting like they are together even though he made it perfectly clear to her that it is over.

Bitch is crazy?! Hold up!

Sure, bitches occasionally be wack, but this seems a little fishy. I’d explore further, because I’d be curious to know what HE is actually telling HER. These guys hate being in uncomfortable situations and will do anything to avoid unpleasantness. He is probably telling his ‘ex’ that they ARE meant to be, but are just exploring their life paths and that he very much loves her.  He probably still bangs her on the regular and SHE lives on with the same dumb hope that her vagina is magical and will make him come back to her.
Eeeeek, messy!

So there you have it. If your situation resembles any of the above points, odds are you are in a made up relationship with a douchebag. No matter how styled his hair is or how expensive his shoes are, or how lovey he is to you when you two are together you need to get out of this immediately.
He IS a douchebag, so take off the blinders and make fun of the fact it takes him longer than you to get ready.

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