Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

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You know when you date a sea of asshole weirdos and then meet someone who makes you laugh and gets you and is ridiculously attractive and nice and smart and LIKES YOU BACK all the same ways?

You spend the first three weeks of knowing one another together non-stop. Dates turn into three day sleepovers, you get more jiggy than you have all last year, you spend hours gazing at one another while The National plays in the background, you call into work sick three times in two weeks and almost forget what it’s like to wear pants.

Finally, when you realize you are in desperate need of doing laundry and some alone time you come crashing down hardcore massive, sober up for a second, and after a twenty four hour sex withdrawal can’t help but wonder if it was too soon to give that stranger your keys.

What’s his / her last name again?

So here is Modern Hussy’s list of too soon behaviour in a zygote of a relationship (anything under 4 weeks):

1.  It is too soon to give him / her your keys.

2. It is too soon to cross a border together

3. It is too soon to drop the L-bomb

4. It is too soon to plan a vacation 6 months from present date

5. It is too soon to meet his / her parents

6. It is too soon to be Facebook friends (unless you were already before you started banging)

7. It is too soon to change your relationship status

8. It is too soon to cancel your OkCupid account. (But you should probably stop checking it)

9. It is too soon to make him / her your emergency contact at the doctor’s office

10. It is too soon to make a sex tape (you slut).

11. It is too soon to get tattooed together.

12. It is definitely too soon to have unprotected sex.

13. It is too soon to attend an orgy together, unless of course that is your scene.

14. It is too soon to give him / her free reign of your friends

15. it is too soon to give him / her your debit card pin.

This is just an estimate of things that could probably happen in the scenario I described at the start of this post.


Many things could still go wrong, and if you are not careful, or a bad judge of character, you could end up locked out of your place with an STI, banned from entering the EU, with your sex tape on an amateur porn site, with no friends.

Or even worse, you could realize that you started dating someone who was a total emotional slut, and does this to everyone he / she dates before losing interest and moving on to new pastures.

You could also realize that you yourself are an emotional slut and can’t function in society unless your existence is validated by another human being.

People are assholes. Don’t trust just anyone.

But I did not want to end it on a sour note.

Actually, I wanted you to know that while these rules are a handy checklist, but when you meet the right person most of them can go out the window (except for 10, 12, 13, and 15).

Be careful and don’t trust just anyone, but when you meet a great catch, just enjoy it and let it wash over you like a wave.

Who knows what will happen?

Love, M.H.

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