Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

When I think back to two years ago I realize even more now how retarded I was as a single girl looking for love.

Now I AM in love, and my love is super fab, and nice and fun and nice and makes me happy.

With that said, don’t think that I am an asshole who now only talks about her relationship and doesn’t understand single people. I do understand and I am very sympathetic, it’s brutal out there! And it’s even worse because people in relationships judge you (jealous assholes).  I can help you single ladies gauge whether you are acting insane. I’ve been there.

1. First of all boys are really simple to read. If he likes you, it doesn’t matter that he does not have your number… He will figure out a way to contact you. The average person has seven possible ways of contact- via Facebook, phone, emails, mutual friends, that coffee shop or dub step night you both hang out at… If you met him on a one night stand and he didn’t ask for your number, he is likely not interested in seeing you again.

2. If it’s been five days and you haven’t heard from him just accept the fact that you got finger banged in the bathroom at the office Christmas party and that nothing else is coming out of it. He is not afraid of his feelings, he does not worry about his reputation, he simply does not wish to put anything of his into anything of yours.

3. He may message you and say something like ‘sup‘ or ‘where you at?’. Now, I know it’s really hard to read that (it’s not) and it could mean many things (it doesn’t), but do you really think that either one of those messages can be reinterpreted into proof of undying love? Girls do. Girls’ brains work like that.  So stop overly analyzing, ‘sup‘ means ‘sup‘. That’s all.

If he uses words such as (you’re) pretty’, (you’re) ‘cool’,  ‘date’, ‘pick you up’ it is likely he is just one of those guys who wants to hang out, without making concise plans, or he’s not interested.

Both things to avoid.

5. Well, why would he still make love to me like that??? You ask. And it’s simple. It’s rare that boys say no to ass. Sometimes they are scared to say no, as a drunk determined rejected female is terrifying. They’d rather stick their dick in you than risk pissing you off! Also, don’t confuse ‘making love’ for straight up turned on passion. (And don’t say ‘making love’, that’s weird).

6. He’s just waiting or the right time to be your boyfriend! Your friends tell you. Bitch, what?

The right time?

Like, 4 pm?

Or when his first three options reject him?

Or when he figures out his sexuality?

There is no right time. Dude’s either into you or he’s not. It’s simple, so stop being wack.

7. Get off the Internet. Your heart skips when you see him come on g-chat. You follow all his activities on Facebook and hope that if you ‘like’ enough of his photos, he will finally realize how much you two have in common. You post status updates with witty banter and song lyrics that are meaningful to you both (do you think he really remembers that Gucci Mane played in the background while you made out?) in hopes that he will notice you. This tactic is a giant waste of time. All that you are doing is using up valuable time on the internets. What you should be doing is going out with your friends trolling for new boys to flirt with. Real life beats the internets, every time.

Once you sober up and realize all this you will understand that you have been taking scraps from someone who had very little interest in you. Sometimes dudes like to keep a girl around for a rainy day bang, others just like the attention.

That realization will be reinforced in little ways for example, when he contacts you around Christmas every Christmas even though you have been ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook for months. He cannot get bothered to actually research whether you are even available. He is giving you as little attention now as he was when you thought you two were involved!

You will get past this. We’ve all obsessed over a dude who strung us along. So stop letting yourself get strung!

Love MH

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