Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

You’ve been in back to back relationships since you were 16, and suddenly at twenty something find yourself single, and (un)ready to face the dating world.

(Let’s assume the initial three month  mourning period of renting 4 horror films from the 90s and falling asleep hugging the cats is over, and you have truly decided to dive head first into ‘the game’).

Sista! I’ve been there and it was a complete disaster. So here is my wisdom on how to date with as little risk as possible.

1. You have to remind yourself that you are now single, and you have to realize that in all likelihood the next dude you meet will NOT be your Prince Charming. (This happens like 2% of the time and if it does, good for you, but please do not assume it).

2. Based on field research I would suggest dating people you are not head over heels about, so that you can remain calm and not get your panties in a knot everytime you think of him or her. Things are going to feel confusing and you need to stay on top of your emotions. Note that if you date your ultimate crush too soon it is probably going to be disappointing / or you will without a doubt fuck it up.

Sticking to randos and people you only kind of like is a better way. Think of it as practice. Actually on your first round back out I’d suggest bedding someone ridiculously hot, who you have absolutely no interest and nothing in common with. This is a great ego booster that you can send right out the door when you are done with it.

3. Sex is going to happen. You’re used to relationship sex and odds are you are just going to bang who ever you are dating quickly – remember to use protection. I cannot stress this enough. As a side effect of relationship sex, you are likely going to be relaxed about condoms. Don’t be!!! You know those stories of people getting Knocked up on a post break up one night stand? Happens ALL the time. Also, you don’t want to get the clap your first session back in the game. Stay safe!!!

4. On the flip side don’t have sex if you are not ready for it. Nothing’s more awkward than bursting into tears at the sight of a new penis.

5. Learn to control crazy lady-brain. We girls are doomed, as essentially as soon as we bang someone we develop an attachment. We can’t help it, it’s part of our DNA. So learn how to detach your brain from your vagina. Just because you had sex with him doesn’t mean that you should be bringing him soup when he is sick, calling him to say goodnight and assuming you are going on a date on Friday night. Big casual dating no-no!!

6. Beware of having your ex kinda sorta in the picture.  It’s hard to be on a date with someone new when your ex is blowing up your phone with hysterical texts and voicemails wondering where you are at 4 am.

7. To keep dating casual make sure that you follow time-rules. No dates on two consecutive nights/ no hanging out with his or her friends/ no lingering in your inside clothes watching movies and eating Thai take out – these are all relationship behaviours!

8. Have no qualms. Feeling bad about dating numerous people has got to stop. Casual dating is essentially pitting as many potential partners against one another to see who you will benefit from the most.   It is their challenge to woo and impress you. May the best wooer win (accept all gifts, dinners, trips, and comps graciously, but like its no big deal).

9. Disasters will occur. Between my besties and me we have enough dating disaster stories to write a book series. Learn to laugh at the disasters, then reboot and start over. Don’t waste your time on assholes or people who are completely unsuitable partners. Learn to recognize a bad scene and remove yourself from the situation at once.

10. And when you come home from another disastrous date just remember that this is a learning process, and with every disappointment you learn what you want and do not want in a relationship! That way, when you find a good one, you will just know! :)

Happy dating, from the Modern Hussy!!

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