Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

I know that summer is almost over but I think this needs to be said.

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a music festival. You know, overpriced bud beer, jail bait in bikinis drunk for the very first time, disgusting toilet situation, an over packed outdoor venue that wasn’t meant to be a place for a concert.

It’s a drag, but it’s also a way to see 12 of your favorite bands in a span of 36 hours. And really, it’s all about the music.

It’s a potentially horrendous way to spend the weekend if not done right. So, here are my suggestions of what to do and not do at an outdoor music fest:

1. Do dress accordingly. This IS the time to wear all those things that seem inappropriate for all other outings. So be ridiculous. And have fun. Wear clothes that you don’t really care about because they will likely get ruined. All those ‘festival fashion’ blog posts are a total lie. Most peeps look like filthy, sweaty mess and are deffo not wearing their new Dries Van Noten ankle booties. On that note not wearing your pants does make you look like a cheap and easy ho. Ya, I’m talking to you, girl who wrapped herself in half a sarong and then ripped it and walked around with her ass out.

2. It’s gonna be hot. Or it’s going to pour rain. Make sure you try and stay out of the sun or wear something, anything on your head. If it rains you might as well give up and accept the fact that you are getting soaked through. If you thought ahead you may have brought a rain coat- bonus points for smart thinking. If you did not pack any rain gear, garbage bags make amazing rain coats and if you’re lucky one of the sponsors may be giving away branded ponchos.

3. Try and drink some water. 6$ shitty festival beer is delicious I’m sure and those frat boys you made friends with have been sharing the flask of Jameson they smuggled in, but note that lack of hydration + desert sun = you vomiting and spending your night in the first aid tent as opposed to trying to meet the guitarist of Florence and the Machine.

4. Often the organizers think its a brilliant idea to hose down the crowd for cooling down purposes. This is mildly demeaning but often welcome in intense heat. Alas, your phone and wallet is getting soaked through the canvas tote bag you brought- ziplock bags can save your life here, as can a waterproof pack- they are cool.

5. Bringing a giant bag, putting it at your feet and getting mad while people trip over it makes you an asshole. Go stand in the back or coat check your bag.

6. Holding hands with 47 of your friends to walk through the crowd makes you all douchebags.

7. Boys: going with seven of your closest dude friends and all wearing matching tank tops assures everyone you are predatory douche bags.

8. Trying to channel Kate Bosworth at Coachella by wearing cowboy or ankle boots and leather in intense heat makes you look ridiculous. First of all Kate has VIP and is not clawing her way through the crowd like you are and second of all you look like a drowned rat and those boots must smell delicious.

9. Footwear. Where do I start? Anything you wear will get wrecked. So fuck fashion and wear old ass sneakers you don’t care about. Personally, I like combat boots, they actually stay dry and allow me to trample over mud and puddles. They look good with shorty shorts or a dress cuz the 90s are back. And also they don’t hurt if some asshole steps on you. Flip flops, ballerinas and moccasins are the worst, since you will likely lose one and have to walk around the festival barefoot which does not make you look like summer of love but does make you look like a train wreck of a disaster. Plus porta potties barefoot???. Ugh!!!

10. If you are wearing flip-flops have your friend hold then while you crowd surf. Seriously, nothing looks more awkward than trying to keep them on while strangers are feeling you up above the crowd.

11. Bring a pack of Kleenex. Toilet paper lasts for like the first hour of any music festival.

12. Avoid getting so messed up that you are rolling around on the dirty crowd laughing like a loon. Unless you want to end up on a “dont’s” blog with the headline “Mushrooms!”

13. Festival make outs with randos are kind of like a relationship at summer camp: you should break up when it’s time to go home.

Have fun and rock on!

MH

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