Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

On dating Easto girls.

Boys, are you interested in girls from the eastern part of the world? Do you love curvy bums, great cheekbones, a woman who knows how to cook, one who dresses like a woman, and is just mildly crazy but makes up for it at sexytimes?

Well, then I have a life saving guide for you.

It is hard for Eastos and non Eastos to date because they are so different.

Eastos dating other Eastos is easy as many things are just assumed, and we all know that angry plate smashing is always followed by passionate sexy time make. We don’t trip on it or think we have anger issues. SOOO, between myself and my Easto counterparts (also known as Easto Babe Makeouts – album coming soon) we have compiled a list of tips to help you understand the Easto babe of your dreams:

1. Eastos are highly superstitious. So don’t be alarmed when they spit over their left shoulder three times after spilling salt on the table (bad luck); refuse to go back home after locking the door (bad luck); think that the itchy left hand means money (can be guaranteed by a high five from an only child); an itchy right hand means you’ll be greeting people; won’t cross the road after a black cat (bad luck); think someone is talking about you if your left ear is itchy; and guarantee an argument if your nose is itchy.

2. Garlic and onions are and always will be the only cure for all diseases.

3. Where garlic has not worked there is only one other cure – some high proof liquor infused with herbs. Think żołądkowa gorzka, slivovitz or, rakija they all do the same thing- get you blind drunk… Errr I mean, cure anything from eczema to pneumonia.

4. Tea is a very suitable after meal beverage in all seasons and after all meals.

5. They are obsessed with strange – often pickled – foods. If you want to show them you are serious you will eat and love said foods. Get your pickled herring, ćevapi with pickled onions and sauerkraut on. You will sip hot tea afterwards.

 6. Gelatin is better savoury. Nomnomnom aspec.

7. They will have a way too-close-for-comfort relationship with their parents. They will still act and be treated like teenagers regardless of age/ status. Don’t expect to sleep in the same bed under the parent’s roof unless you are married. Don’t question it.

8. 80% of the time their moms will be red headed milfs. You will have shameful thoughts about them and that’s ok. Getting on the mom’s good side is the key. Easto women make the decisions around the house.

9. The parents will dislike you, since you are not an Easto doctor or engineer. You can try and get on their good side by trying to out drink the dad and giving the mom flowers and telling her what a lovely home she has.

10. You will be expected to do physical labour around the parents’ house.  On the bright side, this is how you score brownie points.

11. All the male family members will be grotesquely over-protective.  On top of that, they will be extremely nationalistic. So, if you are not from the same region or country as your lovely lady, the men in her life may not accept your relationship as serious. In extreme cases, you will not be invited to family gatherings nor mentioned around the house. This is in no way acceptable behaviour on their part, but it’s unfortunately completely accurate.

12. As a way to get around this and become chummy with them, learn their language.  Make a huge effort to learn their language and culture (and make it known to the family).  If done right, her family will appreciate your massive undertaking to the point where they’ll look past your pasty white skin and the fact that you have never visited their country and they’ll let you into their family…. Grudgingly.

13. Visit the motherland PRONTO. You will understand so many things. This might all seem like a pain in the ass, but I can guarantee that Eastos make great partners!

Wishing you all the best in Easto Dating!

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