Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

On keeping her happy (aka one for the boys)

So you got the girl.

You’re in a serious monogamous relationship or perhaps even LIVE together. Oooooer.

So now you can relax and unbutton the top of your pants, right?

Dudes, I am here to tell you just how to keep your woman happy even after you have successfully settled down.

Likely, there are various misconceptions about what a lady needs from you and many of you likely write it off as “bitching + nagging”. Thing is, women are vocal (giggle) and they will let you know what they need, you just gotta listen. In case you are incapable of this, I am here to give you a quick play by play of what your girl wants (kinda like a lady-into-dude translator) and what you should be doing to ensure your relationship grows into awesomeness (aka that you keep getting laid)

1. She wants to crush on you. This means that you can’t give up on the physical activity routine that you had in your single days. You got to maintain your body, dude. Do you think she enjoys all those yoga, Zumba and kickboxing classes she skips off to every other day?

NO. That shit’s painful.

She is trying to keep her booty tight for you, as you should do the same. Pushups, sit ups, squats are really just the bare minimum (and take about fifteen minutes out of your day, boys), If you are a real man you will also get into some kinda cardio, running, team sports, swimming, whichever one makes you happy. No one wants to fuck a flabby slob with no stamina. Everyone wants to gaze over across the bar at the fine specimen of male and be all like “Yeah, I’m hitting that”.

2. She wants to dress up. Remember when you used to take her places that required actual pants? Just because you’re all coupley now doesn’t mean that she will find dinners + movies at home in tracky pants acceptable. Really, it’s cute that you want to make lasagna (and it’s also delicious) but once in a while you gotta tell her “put your big girl shoes on” and take her somewhere where the entrees are in another language and contain duck liver. Also, you too gotta maintain your style. The ripped up, stained wife beater with a lobster on it which you have had since 1993 is comfortable I’m sure, but it doesn’t make her want to fuck you. Have pants that aren’t jeans, shoes that aren’t sneakers and shirts with buttons that don’t have your fave DC comic character on them. Dress like a grown ass man, not a 15 yr old scenester. (Note, you can have those other things too, just not every single day)

2b. She wants to go out. Whether it’s dancing or a nice cocktail on a rooftop, she likely wants to do stuff with you that feels fancy or special, and is fun. An ex once told me “Why would we go dancing? We already ‘got’ eachother. You go dancing to hook up.” Sigh . Clearly I should have taken that as an early warning sign of future disaster.

3. She wants flowers. Not just on v-day or her birthday. Flowers are best when she is having a bad day at work or for no reason at all. You don’t have to spend a fortune either. A ten dollar bunch of tulips is just as appreciated as a fifty dollar arrangement. If you get her flowers, she will likely want to get jiggy. Or at least give you an hj.


4. She wants you to be financially responsible. Not everyone landed a six figure job après graduation and not all girls are after dudes with money. But if you can’t afford rent or paying the repairs on the dryer, girl’s red flags will pop up thinking that you aren’t a suitable long-term partner. Get a savings account. Put 10% of your paycheque in it, no matter what. You’ll be surprised at how fast it adds up and how little you miss it. If you are in your thirties and still making minimum wage, you might consider a career change. Take a class, get a second job, learn how to hustle.

5. Fix shit. She wants you around for fixing things when things are broken. I know, it’s the era of only doing things virtually, and being sensitive and emo. But she wants you to take care of things like her daddy did. So learn how to use a drill, rewire things when things need rewiring and chop down a damn tree when required. Don’t worry, you can find ‘how to’ videos on the interwebs.

6. Don’t fart. I know it’s hard and makes you bloated, but having a constant air of methane around you is not sexy. Go to the other side of the flat, go out on the balcony, go to the toilet. It’s a courtesy you owe her, because she is holding back farts too. On that note, don’t be crass talking about the giant poop you took earlier. Girls don’t like that, and there are some things that should remain private. The more you fart, the less likely she will be in the mood.

Girls, I know that your man likely does not read this blog. Print it out and casually leave it on the counter, by the cereal box. He will likely get the point. Wishing you an awesome and longterm relationship (with loads of jiggy)

Luv. M.H.

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