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Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

27
Jun
2012

Modern Hussy on: Things I learned this week (and some I already knew).

The Modern Hussy

I have chosen to re-post this entry because summer is here and we are all bound to make some bad decisions fueled by hot weather.  Bad decisions are what makes for an amazing summer so read on:

1. New York City is amazing for the following (but not only) reasons:

- everybody is on the prowl all the time, it’s good for self esteem and bad for you heart.

- Hendrick’s is the standard Gin of choice and that makes me happy.

- all hamburgers all the time is an amazing summertime diet.

2. The friends you want to have around are the ones who will spontaneously do city installation art with you.

3. When someone says “renegade concert on a rooftop” OR “illegal pool party” do not ask questions, just go.

4. Picklebacks are potentially the greatest shot ever invented, and I will work immediately on getting my favest dive bars to implement them.

Explanation: Picklebacks are a shot of whiskey (I like Jamieson) with a chaser of pickle brine.

It is the perfect mix of ranuchy booze and saltyness, and actually cures your hangover before you even get it. All good Eastos know that pickle brine is good for you for the following reasons: full of electrolytes, loaded with vitamin C, cures an upset stomach, reduces cramps in athletes and CURES HANGOVERS. I think this trend came from Brooklyn hipsters taking over Polish and Jewish neighbourhoods (we make good pickles).

Finally, I do not have to hide my love for pickle brine + sauerkraut brine from the world. For new users, please consume with caution, as the brines are also a laxative.

5. You can’t will a boy into calling you.

6. When a boy does not call you, the only thing that makes you feel better is double kickboxing classes where, while punching + kicking, you envision your fist in his face. Complete with slow motion cartoon blood exploding from everywhere.  This helps calm your mind, but also makes you have killer legs which can be used for the purpose of picking up other boys.

7. When going through customs with clothes worth $400 over what you are actually allowed to bring into the country, do not EVER go to the young female who is definitely prissy and definitely an over achiever at her job. She will send you to get your bags searched.  Look for the older, stoner looking gentleman.

8. Walking a dog is the perfect boy magnet.  if you are not a dog person, do what I do and kidnap a friend’s adorable dog. This works only if your dog is awesome and not a douche.

9. The only men who tell me I look amazing are the homeless crackheads in Regent park. Dear non homeless boys, please step up and compliment girls a little more.

10. Sometimes even though you have convinced yourself that you are a robot life happens and you get hurt + sad. This is sad, but also awesome because it reminds you that you still have feelings.

11. In hot weather, do wear a flowy dress, even though it is so windy out that you end up like Marilyn on the sidewalk crate half of the time. In this case, panty shots are totally appropriate.

Note however, that wearing a thong while you do this, makes you look unappetizing, while wearing hello kitty boy shorts makes it totally cute and totally ok.

12. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.  So stop beating yourself up over how you got too drunk and said things you probably shouldn’t have. If he was right for you, he would have understood.

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