By the Modern Hussy
On Being Totally Exposed (the Etiquette of Getting a Brazilian)
Ladies, it may be the scorching summer weather, a new adventurous lover, the tiniest bikini, or simply sheer curiosity of what is it like, that has you contemplating hair removal to the next level- the Brazilian.
The Modern Hussy is here to answer your strangest questions and to clarify what exactly happens when you decide to go bald.
Pre prep– Please note that this procedure is fucking painful.
Even those with the highest pain threshold should prepare for excruciating discomfort. If you are really worried take a couple of painkillers before going. Or a shot of vodka to numb your senses, whatever. Also, don’t go around your moon time because it hurts more. Also, being hungry or tired makes it hurt more too. Don’t talk about it to other people. All your grooming business is private. Ladies at work are all, ‘Excuse me, I’ll brb, I’m getting a waxed, wink!” ugh.
Step 1– Find an esthetician.
Similar to finding a lover you like or a friend you can tell all your secrets to, finding a wax esthetician you like is very important. I just broke up with mine because she talked too damn much. No, I don’t want you to pause every minute to discuss the state of student strikes or how well you and your boyfriend get along while my legs are up over my head and you are ripping at my most sensitive areas. With that said, you want them to talk a little to break the awkwardness of ‘my vagina is staring you right in the face’. Some estheticians talk to ease the tension and distract you from the excruciating pain, and while that is definitely appreciated, you also want the procedure to go as fast as possible and not be prolonged by talking about your view of spirituality.
Step 2– Hygiene.
Make sure that the salon is clean. The esthetician should wear gloves, all the equipment should be sterilized and the place should be clean. This is where you do not skimp on the money. Go to a nice spa, I believe that it is worth to go high end for your flower.
Step 3– Your hygiene.
Be clean. You wouldn’t go to the dentist without brushing your teeth, would you? Well, this is the same thing. Wash up before your appointment. Many salons leave baby wipes in the room for you, but don’t be shy to ask to go to the loo to freshen up. If you like to be really prepared, carry your own pack of wipes. Wear cotton underoos the day of.
Step 4– Get naked.
Yes, this will involve a strange woman getting very close and personal with your lady parts. Some salons leave you a paper thong to wear, but don’t kid yourself, there ain’t no place to hide your shame. If you’re uptight about this, you’re probably too square for a Brazilian.
Step 5– The procedure.
This is gonna hurt. It doesn’t get any better for the next twenty minutes so be prepared to endure the pain. If it is beyond what you can handle, ask to take a break. If you have an experienced esthetician it will go fast, and you’ll be out of there in no time. Note that your esthetician will ask you whether you want to go complete or leave anything on your lady parts. This is totally up to you. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with.
Step 6– after the ordeal get dressed, take a moment to pull yourself together and go to pay. Note that it is customary to tip your esthetician. 10% is a polite minimum.
Après notes– No one tells you this, but the first few times you go to the bathroom after your Brazilian you will likely pee all over yourself. It’s true.
Don’t forget to use a light moisturizer on your lady bits.
GENTLE exfoliation minimizes the risk of ingrown hairs.
Things we don’t like– the MANzillian. Come on, a dude with super smooth balls? That’s just weird.