Modern Hussy’s Etiquette

By the Modern Hussy

Thank gah for the cold spell we are having. At least bitches are back in shoes that mostly cover their feet. I had a lot of cringe-y moments during the heat wave 2 weeks ago, seeing girls ‘strut’ in their summer specials.

I wrote you a really good and comprehensive post last summer here to educate you on the etiquette of showing your feet, but seeing how like eight people read this blog clearly the message did not get across.

So please re-read and share part 1 with as many friends as possible before continuing to today’s part 2.

Here are my tips for selecting foot exposing summer sandals:

1. Nobody likes it too high.

I love being over six feet tall in my amazing Carvelas, but honey, I’ve had years of practice and I still only wear them when I know I’m getting driven door to door or will be drinking (everybody knows that alcohol is like a magical painkiller).

There is NOTHING endearing about looking like Bambi on ice and the only dudes you will attract wearing heels so high is predatory dudes. The ones looking for girls who are swaying on their heels due to imbalance and are so drunk they will probably put out just so they can take their uncomfortable shoes off. I challenge you to look at girls who can’t walk in their heels- whether they are the back leaners or look like a trampling Rex – they look awkward and uncomfortable.

2. Find your comfort level.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, wear shoes that fit you. Don’t  try to mash your feet into something really slim if you have a wide foot and high arches. Find the brand that fits you and stick with it, as the models are usually alike. And for the love of all things good and pure please do NOT buy shoes that are too small for you. There is nothing more heinous than toes hanging over sandals. It looks so terrible. I don’t care if you find Jill Sanders sandals made from gold as freaking baby unicorns at 99% off and you’d give up your first born for them,  if they are too small for you, it is time to walk away (or purchase them for a friend with smaller feet).

3. Other missfit issues: when your baby toe is not contained by the cross strap of your sandal (blargh), and when the straps are too tight on you making your lower calf look like a stringed sausage.

4. Know when to accept defeat.

Some women just aren’t made for wearing heels. There is something off with your feet, you have poor circulation, or you walk weird. That’s just a part of life. Even I can only do a full day in heels (from morning till after dinner) 2x a week max and only in my comfiest, reserving the less comfortable ones for short events.  There are plenty of mid-heel or flat options out there that make you look absolutely smashing but do not give you pain.

5. Always start with a gorgeous base.

Take good care of your feet! Scrub, pumice, slather in lotions and get regular pedis if you plan to expose them. There is nothing more unappetizing than Cracked yellow heels and chipped polish over scraggly nails….ok I seriously just gagged. You don’t want to make people gag, do you?

I realize that people will say that if one feels sexy as fuck I should just let them be.

The issue is, when you are wearing uncomfortable shoes you can’t walk in, you don’t feel sexy as fuck. All you can think of is how badly you wish you could take your shoes off as your shirt moistens with sweat because you are working so hard just to be able to walk.

Feeling sexy has to do with being effortlessly striking. It’s hard to achieve that when your shoes are filling up with blood. So now go get a pedicure, get your new amazing well fitting sandals out of the freezer * and show the world what a cool and confident summer girl you are!

* Putting your shoes in the freezer is a trick I have for breaking them in faster. Freeze for 20 min. then wear to mould the leather or suede to your feet.  Only works with non synthetic materials. 


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